#1 in a 5 Part Series to Help You Set & Hold Your Boundaries
Part 1: Setting boundaries can be tough. Holding them can be tougher.
We need them in all of our relationships; work, family, friends, romantic partners, to protect ourselves, our energy, and our bandwidth. Our boundaries will actually determine the health of our relationships. Yet, there is so much fear around them. Why is it so difficult for some of us?
The truth is that most of us were not taught how to set appropriate boundaries, and they were probably not modeled either. We developed the coping skills that we have, based on the environment we grew up in. Some of us learned how to keep ourselves safe in abusive or severely dysregulated or dysfunctional environments. In other environments, we learned mechanisms that helped us compete, or get ahead.
I grew up in a fairly middle-class household, with professional parents (one was even a therapist), in a diverse neighborhood. I don’t remember ever hearing about good boundaries or seeing them set. Being “well-behaved” was valued, and not making a scene was imperative. As good Vietnam War-era pacifists, my parents strongly discouraged fighting (even in defense); we were always to be careful not to hurt other people with our words. However, when the words of others hurt us, “sticks and stones can break my bones, but words can never hurt me” was to be applied to our bruised feelings.
We were “hard workers,” which meant that we worked until the job was done, whether on or off the clock and sacrificed whatever we had to “finish what we started” or because “anything worth doing was worth doing right.” I saw both of my parents go to work when they were sick. I was taught to “tough it out,” I was taught not to complain, not to say no. This was modeled by both of my well-intentioned parents, who hoped to teach me the value of integrity and hard work. I learned that my health and relationships were less important than my value as a producer and that my work and work ethic would speak louder than any of my words.
My experience, I am aware, does not reflect everyone’s, and yet, the more people I talk to about this, seem to share this common thread. I did not grow up knowing how or when to set boundaries. I didn’t know that it was something that I could do. I didn’t know that it was ok to re-negotiate relationships, friendships, or family dynamics. I definitely didn’t know that it was ok to tell my boss that I was unwilling to work off the clock or that my workload was an unreasonable expectation for an 8-hour workday or 40-hour workweek.
I had difficult relationships. I felt undervalued. I was always concerned that I would say the wrong thing or make the wrong decision and lose a friend, a girlfriend, a job, my reputation, and my status in the company. It was draining. The more time I gave, the more I was asked to give. The more I said “yes,” the less empowered I felt to say “no.” The more I carried, the more I was asked to carry. I couldn’t ask for help, say I was drowning, decline the invitation, or ask for time for myself, but sure, I can help you move next weekend.
Learning how to protect our own bandwidth, our sense of our own worth, and the quality of our lives by setting boundaries with others is one of the most powerful lessons that we learn. On the other side of that lesson is the freedom from other people’s expectations, feelings, and agendas. It allows us to put ourselves and our own needs first (which we then model for our children, thereby teaching them how to put themselves first as well). There is also push-back, mostly from people who enjoyed the benefits of you not holding boundaries. This series will address that as well.
This is a fairly broad and nuanced topic; however, it can be approached. There are 4 basic types of boundaries that we can set. These apply to any relationship: romantic, business, professional, friends, or family.
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Deal Breakers
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Boundaries
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Requests
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Preferences
Part 2: Deal Breakers
